She gets out of bed yet again. She is looking for her baby's (doll) bottle. It is late, the day has been a long one. My emotions are all over the place, I feel drained and feel like I have nothing left to give. I loose my cool, I raise my voice, I tell her to go to bed, I don't want to hear about the bottle, anymore. I know you want your baby's bottle, but we are not going to look for it, it is late, I am tired, we are all tired. I want you to you to go back to your bed, NOW!
I hate myself for raising my voice with this sweet little angle, all she wants is her baby's bottle and I don't have the energy to deal with it. It feels like it is easier to yell at her to go to bed. It is hard to believe this is me, I swore I'd never do this to my baby. I'd never yell at her like my mother and father yelled at me. But here I am, doing it.... I can't stand myself doing it, this is no way to live! I crawl into bed with her, tears streaming down my face, I'm sorry sweet Bella, mommy is sorry. I don't want to yell at you, mommy is having a hard day, you did nothing wrong. You are beautiful, you are precious and you are perfect. Mommy is very tired, can we look for the bottle tomorrow? Her face lights up, she smiles and says, yes mommy as she touches my face.
I want to listen to you Bella, tomorrow will be a good day, we will listen to each other, be kind to each other and love each other. We hug and I kiss her good-night. Her eyes close as she drifts off to sleep.
What a long day it's been, my chest feels tight and my heart feels heavy. I know something has to give. Anytime I loose my cool with my little darlings, I know something is up with me and that something needs attention. I'm not sure why I feel so much today, I feel feelings that I have not yet been able to put a name on. I don't yet know what they are. I feel so off, like something isn't right. Is it just in my head or is it really true, is something wrong with me? Or am I exactly where I need to be, to do what I am doing so I can learn something from this unpleasant feeling? I'm sure there is something for me to learn. I know one thing for sure, I want to know why I yell at my children, who did nothing wrong. I swore I would never do that, I hated when my mother or father did that to me. All I wanted to do when they yelled at me was run away and hide, it made me feel useless! I don't want my children to feel that way, ever!
But why now? What triggered this whole thing? Right now I'm not sure, I'll find out though!
Feelings don't lie, there is always a reason we feel the way we do. A lot of the time the unpleasant feelings we feel is our inner child asking for attention. I have found that if I don't give her attention I start acting out towards others and I become super irritable. I begin to find ways to shut her up, because the pain is still to great to bare. A lot of us have endured much pain in our childhood. Whether it is physical or emotional pain doesn't really matter, it is all the same when it comes to healing. In my case it was emotional. Emotional abuse is tricky, it doesn't look like abuse right away because there are no immediate visible marks left behind. The damage happens on the inside first then it slowly appears on the outside in forms we mostly mistake as bad behavior or health problems.
In this particular case, My wake up call came that night when I lost my cool with my daughter, when I raised my voice my inner child raised with it, I began to feel the feelings I felt as a child when I was being yelled at and my voice was not being heard. The gut wrenching pain of not being good enough, feeling like I was just another object in the way of those whom I wanted nothing more from than knowing that I am wanted, that I am worth having around, that I am special and have a place in this world. I remembered the feeling of hopelessness that came every time someone at our house got yelled at or when I desperately wanted my voice to be heard. In the midst of raising my voice at my daughter, I was caught dead in my tracks as these feelings begin to rise within myself. Now as I look back and see the things I said to my daughter as I crawled into bed with her to comfort her, those are the exact things my inner child needed to hear from the adult me.
So as I continue to do inner child work and as I continue to re-parent my inner child in this awareness of myself and who I am, I see how my life could be completely different had I not been awakened to live in awareness of all that is in, and around me. My daughter would have gone to bed broken hearted and I would have gone to bed broken hearted not knowing anything else but that she needs to learn to listen to me because I am the adult and she is the child and children need to listen to adults. And we would continue to squash there voices just like our parents did to us. The cycle keeps going until we choose to face our own demons as adults and change the cycle of our emotional deadness.
I am convinced we are living in the Emotional Dark Age. So many of us are dead to our emotions and because of it our world is full of misery. The waking up process seems brutal but I would much rather feel then not feel. Not feeling turns us into robots and we become zombies. When we are awake to our feelings we become a much more compassionate people and a compassionate person can change the world for themselves and those around them.
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