She gets out of bed yet again. She is looking for her baby's (doll) bottle. It is late, the day has been a long one. My emotions are all over the place, I feel drained and feel like I have nothing left to give. I loose my cool, I raise my voice, I tell her to go to bed, I don't want to hear about the bottle, anymore. I know you want your baby's bottle, but we are not going to look for it, it is late, I am tired, we are all tired. I want you to you to go back to your bed, NOW!
I hate myself for raising my voice with this sweet little angle, all she wants is her baby's bottle and I don't have the energy to deal with it. It feels like it is easier to yell at her to go to bed. It is hard to believe this is me, I swore I'd never do this to my baby. I'd never yell at her like my mother and father yelled at me. But here I am, doing it.... I can't stand myself doing it, this is no way to live! I crawl into bed with her, tears streaming down my face, I'm sorry sweet Bella, mommy is sorry. I don't want to yell at you, mommy is having a hard day, you did nothing wrong. You are beautiful, you are precious and you are perfect. Mommy is very tired, can we look for the bottle tomorrow? Her face lights up, she smiles and says, yes mommy as she touches my face.
I want to listen to you Bella, tomorrow will be a good day, we will listen to each other, be kind to each other and love each other. We hug and I kiss her good-night. Her eyes close as she drifts off to sleep.
What a long day it's been, my chest feels tight and my heart feels heavy. I know something has to give. Anytime I loose my cool with my little darlings, I know something is up with me and that something needs attention. I'm not sure why I feel so much today, I feel feelings that I have not yet been able to put a name on. I don't yet know what they are. I feel so off, like something isn't right. Is it just in my head or is it really true, is something wrong with me? Or am I exactly where I need to be, to do what I am doing so I can learn something from this unpleasant feeling? I'm sure there is something for me to learn. I know one thing for sure, I want to know why I yell at my children, who did nothing wrong. I swore I would never do that, I hated when my mother or father did that to me. All I wanted to do when they yelled at me was run away and hide, it made me feel useless! I don't want my children to feel that way, ever!
But why now? What triggered this whole thing? Right now I'm not sure, I'll find out though!
Feelings don't lie, there is always a reason we feel the way we do. A lot of the time the unpleasant feelings we feel is our inner child asking for attention. I have found that if I don't give her attention I start acting out towards others and I become super irritable. I begin to find ways to shut her up, because the pain is still to great to bare. A lot of us have endured much pain in our childhood. Whether it is physical or emotional pain doesn't really matter, it is all the same when it comes to healing. In my case it was emotional. Emotional abuse is tricky, it doesn't look like abuse right away because there are no immediate visible marks left behind. The damage happens on the inside first then it slowly appears on the outside in forms we mostly mistake as bad behavior or health problems.
In this particular case, My wake up call came that night when I lost my cool with my daughter, when I raised my voice my inner child raised with it, I began to feel the feelings I felt as a child when I was being yelled at and my voice was not being heard. The gut wrenching pain of not being good enough, feeling like I was just another object in the way of those whom I wanted nothing more from than knowing that I am wanted, that I am worth having around, that I am special and have a place in this world. I remembered the feeling of hopelessness that came every time someone at our house got yelled at or when I desperately wanted my voice to be heard. In the midst of raising my voice at my daughter, I was caught dead in my tracks as these feelings begin to rise within myself. Now as I look back and see the things I said to my daughter as I crawled into bed with her to comfort her, those are the exact things my inner child needed to hear from the adult me.
So as I continue to do inner child work and as I continue to re-parent my inner child in this awareness of myself and who I am, I see how my life could be completely different had I not been awakened to live in awareness of all that is in, and around me. My daughter would have gone to bed broken hearted and I would have gone to bed broken hearted not knowing anything else but that she needs to learn to listen to me because I am the adult and she is the child and children need to listen to adults. And we would continue to squash there voices just like our parents did to us. The cycle keeps going until we choose to face our own demons as adults and change the cycle of our emotional deadness.
I am convinced we are living in the Emotional Dark Age. So many of us are dead to our emotions and because of it our world is full of misery. The waking up process seems brutal but I would much rather feel then not feel. Not feeling turns us into robots and we become zombies. When we are awake to our feelings we become a much more compassionate people and a compassionate person can change the world for themselves and those around them.
Thursday, July 14, 2016
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
Love Heals Everything
Yesterday we went for the first picking of blueberries of this summer at the Organic Farm here in our neighborhood. Oh how that place warms my heart! I am so thankful to the owners for creating such a beautiful place where we can now go with our family and enjoy picking fresh blueberries.
The women that owns the place is such a beautiful soul. I have learned over the last year to really appreciate her! I can tell that my thinking is changing, the walls that tend to separate humans from each other because of our differences in beliefs are coming down, it is much easier for me now to see someone not through the lens of beliefs that I once held but more through the lens of understanding and love. There is no judgement in love, there is only understanding.
The question I continuously asked in the past years leading up to now was; 'what is love', no, really, 'WHAT IS LOVE'? What does love look like, what does love sound like, what does love feel like? I don't remember ever experiencing true unconditional love. I had heard about it but never experienced it. There was something missing and I wanted to find it. The only kind of love I had experienced was conditional love, which isn't love at all. Conditional love is twisted and stands no chance alongside true heartfelt understanding love. Conditional love broken down is really not love at all. Does love look like this; I will love you if you do what I say and what I think you should do and if you don't do that then I cannot except you and our friendship will be hindered because of it. Much of the time when we believe this way we then go on to unconsciously seek to destroy those who do not believe like we do. Conditional love is a lie, it is cold, it is brutal, it is not love at all. This kind of thinking causes all kinds of destruction in our world.
When we meet someone who holds different beliefs then we do, let's try to remember who we are. Not one of us is more worthy of love than the other. We are all worthy of love. The human race cannot survive without love. We are fueled by the feeling of love- love is like the lifeblood of the human race. We are lost without it and we thrive when we feel it. Unconditional love is what will bring humanity back together and make us realize that we are not at all that different from each other. The only thing that separates us is our conditioned mind. Our conditioned mind holds a certain set of beliefs and when we attach ourselves to those beliefs and we allow those beliefs to become our identity it separates us from those who's beliefs are different from our own.
Becoming aware of my conditioned mind and consciously examining every single belief in my mind, asking the question, is it true, does it makes sense, does it serve me and others? If it was not true or it did not make sense, or it did not serve me or others, I let it go, I don't have time anymore to waste on those beliefs and thoughts in my mind. The bottom line is that many of the ideas I have been conditioned with in my years growing up are super destructive and don't serve me at all. However I can learn from them and because of them I am searching out a better way. The thing is I just had to become aware of that fact.
It is super difficult these days to come face to face with another human who has a different set of beliefs than our own without becoming defensive and outright angry. I challenge you to try something, only because I have tried this and it works every time. Go find someone who has opposing views to your own and be with them. Notice your thoughts about them, notice them and notice the feelings you get when you entertain those thoughts. Now just like you would drop a hot coal in your hand, drop those thoughts about that person. Now see them, just see them without your earlier thoughts of judgement about them. Notice that they are just like you another human being with feelings and needs, If you do this with an open mind and heart you will begin to feel compassion for them a you will begin to realize they are not any different then you. Underneath all the different beliefs and idea's we are all more alike then we tend to think. We are all searching for meaning in life, we are all searching for love, we are all searching for understanding, it is just hard for us to see that because most of us are so conditioned into a certain set of beliefs that we don't see anything else. It is only when we become aware of our thoughts and our conditioned mind that we begin to see the illusion of separation that our conditioned minds create.
Unconditional love will heal the world. When we learn this kind of love, nothing else will matter as much. After all is said and done we will realize that we are LOVE, hopefully we will come to this realization before we have completely destroyed each other. Love is what all the great teacher of old have taught but most of their message was distorted by someone who was unaware of what the messenger was trying to bring forth.
So as I gazed into the face of this beautiful women at this beautiful place in this beautiful valley on this beautiful earth, unknowingly she taught me more then she will ever know, just by conversating with me about the happenings of life. I have fallen in love with the human race all over again. We are living in amazing times!
The women that owns the place is such a beautiful soul. I have learned over the last year to really appreciate her! I can tell that my thinking is changing, the walls that tend to separate humans from each other because of our differences in beliefs are coming down, it is much easier for me now to see someone not through the lens of beliefs that I once held but more through the lens of understanding and love. There is no judgement in love, there is only understanding.
The question I continuously asked in the past years leading up to now was; 'what is love', no, really, 'WHAT IS LOVE'? What does love look like, what does love sound like, what does love feel like? I don't remember ever experiencing true unconditional love. I had heard about it but never experienced it. There was something missing and I wanted to find it. The only kind of love I had experienced was conditional love, which isn't love at all. Conditional love is twisted and stands no chance alongside true heartfelt understanding love. Conditional love broken down is really not love at all. Does love look like this; I will love you if you do what I say and what I think you should do and if you don't do that then I cannot except you and our friendship will be hindered because of it. Much of the time when we believe this way we then go on to unconsciously seek to destroy those who do not believe like we do. Conditional love is a lie, it is cold, it is brutal, it is not love at all. This kind of thinking causes all kinds of destruction in our world.
When we meet someone who holds different beliefs then we do, let's try to remember who we are. Not one of us is more worthy of love than the other. We are all worthy of love. The human race cannot survive without love. We are fueled by the feeling of love- love is like the lifeblood of the human race. We are lost without it and we thrive when we feel it. Unconditional love is what will bring humanity back together and make us realize that we are not at all that different from each other. The only thing that separates us is our conditioned mind. Our conditioned mind holds a certain set of beliefs and when we attach ourselves to those beliefs and we allow those beliefs to become our identity it separates us from those who's beliefs are different from our own.
Becoming aware of my conditioned mind and consciously examining every single belief in my mind, asking the question, is it true, does it makes sense, does it serve me and others? If it was not true or it did not make sense, or it did not serve me or others, I let it go, I don't have time anymore to waste on those beliefs and thoughts in my mind. The bottom line is that many of the ideas I have been conditioned with in my years growing up are super destructive and don't serve me at all. However I can learn from them and because of them I am searching out a better way. The thing is I just had to become aware of that fact.
It is super difficult these days to come face to face with another human who has a different set of beliefs than our own without becoming defensive and outright angry. I challenge you to try something, only because I have tried this and it works every time. Go find someone who has opposing views to your own and be with them. Notice your thoughts about them, notice them and notice the feelings you get when you entertain those thoughts. Now just like you would drop a hot coal in your hand, drop those thoughts about that person. Now see them, just see them without your earlier thoughts of judgement about them. Notice that they are just like you another human being with feelings and needs, If you do this with an open mind and heart you will begin to feel compassion for them a you will begin to realize they are not any different then you. Underneath all the different beliefs and idea's we are all more alike then we tend to think. We are all searching for meaning in life, we are all searching for love, we are all searching for understanding, it is just hard for us to see that because most of us are so conditioned into a certain set of beliefs that we don't see anything else. It is only when we become aware of our thoughts and our conditioned mind that we begin to see the illusion of separation that our conditioned minds create.
Unconditional love will heal the world. When we learn this kind of love, nothing else will matter as much. After all is said and done we will realize that we are LOVE, hopefully we will come to this realization before we have completely destroyed each other. Love is what all the great teacher of old have taught but most of their message was distorted by someone who was unaware of what the messenger was trying to bring forth.
So as I gazed into the face of this beautiful women at this beautiful place in this beautiful valley on this beautiful earth, unknowingly she taught me more then she will ever know, just by conversating with me about the happenings of life. I have fallen in love with the human race all over again. We are living in amazing times!
Monday, July 4, 2016
Life
When we come from a past where we never experienced what being loved, appreciated and supported feels like, we are prone to push away anyone that shows us any kind love and appreciation. The first thought that tends to come to mind when we encounter someone who genuinely cares about us is 'what do they want from me'. They must want something from me and they are just being nice long enough to get what they want then leave me hanging. This was me, I trusted no one. I believed everyone was out to get something from me. Interestingly enough I would attract those very people into my life, until the day I became aware of what was going on in my head.
Not long ago we met some amazingly beautiful people who I know love and care for me and my family more then anyone ever has. It feels so incredible yet so strange and scary at the same time. It is the most interesting thing I've every experienced. As I remove myself from the place I used to be and I become the observer of my thoughts and feelings instead of becoming my thoughts and feelings, I watch and I see how this could've all played out and how it is now playing out instead, because of me being more aware and more in touch with myself. Going through this amazing experience it makes me wonder how many times I sabotaged a perfectly good friendship with someone who genuinely cared about me all because of thoughts I believed in my head.
Our conditioned mind will hold us hostage as long as we let it. You are not your thoughts. Your thoughts are not you. You are so much more then your thoughts. You don't need to identify with or become your thoughts. You can change your world by becoming aware of your thoughts. You are not your past. You are amazing, we are all amazing! Who are you?
This physical experience we call life is the most amazing gift we could ever hope for. We tend to spend so much time wishing it away because of the pain we all feel here at times, but the pain is necessary for us to experience any kind of joy. Without the pain we would never know what we want. The pain we all suffered at some point in our life was their to teach us something. It creates in us a desire for something we don't have. In my case the pain of not feeling love, appreciation and support made me seek after it. I used to blame all the people who I thought were suppose to love and support me in this life but now I am thankful for them they were there as messengers to push me towards the path I came here to live. Life is beautiful, sometime it feels like hell but without that feeling how could we ever appreciate the feeling of heavenly bliss? I have found a new love for this experience called life. I hope you do too!
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